“Sing for your Mammy, wee canny manny,
Sing for your Mammy when Daddy’s awa’
Sing for the fishies, and sing for the sojers,
Sing for them a’, aye the great and the sma’”
Sleepy eyes stare at the smoky coal fire … a few meagre lumps, carefully hoarded, in the grate. But no worries. A mucky thumb in his mouth, the smell of his Mammy’s body and her soft breasts to lean against, rocking gently. Her song like a soft breeze blowing through his soul. Then, a choked sob brings his head up. Tears … Mammy’s no supposed tae greet. Fascinated, he sits up, reaches to touch her grimy cheek with his wee fingers. He hasn’t got the language to know what to say or to ask, or how to make it better, so he puts his arms around her neck and pats her head, because that’s what she does for him when he’s in tears, when he scrapes his knee, or the local children call him the “Deil’s bairn”
But now his beautiful mother smiles through her tears, wiping them away. “Dinnae worry yersel’, Angus,” says haltingly. “Och, I was only thinking on your faither, and the thought was making Mammy sad. I just miss him . . . .” Another sob, more tears. But she controls herself now, with Angus’s piercing green eyes looking boldly into her own. “You’re the spit of him, wee man, so you are.” She folds her arms around him, and all’s right with the world again.
Jeff Arnott blinked his eyes open, bewildered. That was a new one. He usually came back from his regressions angry, determined for revenge. But now – he rubbed his eyes, finding it hard to return to the here and now. The sound of the young mother’s voice still lilting gently in his head, the smell of the reeking fire still acrid in his nostrils, mixed with the smell of Angus’s Mother.
The feeling of love had been so sweet, and a sadness welled up in Jeff’s heart. He sighed, made a concentrated effort to re-centre himself, looking around the room. Bare cream walls, a few pieces of bespoke blond maple furniture upholstered in white, a frosted glass coffee table in front of the wheelchair he sat in.
He reached out to the table to touch the objects on it: a burning candle, a stick of incense, an ancient patch of tartan fabric. He extinguished the candle and incense, then gently fingered the tartan rag. In the watery light of the window it was faded, the colours almost gone, but the weave was still tight, across all the years and in spite of all it had been through . . .
- A scream. A man’s leering face. A harsh, guttural voice: “Ye’ll no kill ma cattle ony mair, Mary Arnott!” And a tight stricture around the throat, choking -
Jeff dropped the fabric from his trembling fingers, and clutched his head. What the fuck was that? It had never come on so hard and fast before, without careful meditation and regression. He leaned back in his chair, taking deep breaths. His hands groped for the wheels, and he pushed the chair back from the table, then rolled over to one of the tall windows.
Outside it was thick cold mist. Typical San Francisco autumn day. The sun was trying to cut through overhead, as Jeff swung the window open to let the sharp air into the room. He glanced across the street, where the hillside steeply fell away. Without the mist, there was a stunning view of Golden Gate Park and the sea. Not today, though. Today, the world ended, fading into a shifting mass of pearl grey.
Still, he had the street. The stately row of Victorian mansions, of which his own home was one, always soothed him, reassured him of his status in the world, and now he let his eye linger on the houses opposite, tracing the details of the ornate architecture, and he was conscious of his heartbeat slowing . . . he was back in his own world now, fully recovered from his regression.
Jeff closed the window again, and wheeled himself out of the room, carefully locking the door behind him. He had left the candle, incense and cloth on the table. Of the many rooms in Jeff’s mansion, that one had one purpose only, and he always left it in a state of readiness for the next session.
Adolpho, his private assistant, poked his head out of the office along the landing, and waved to catch Jeff’s attention. “Everything okay?” he signed.
Jeff grunted, and signed back, “Yes, yes, now come along, we’ve got work to do.”
He rolled away without waiting for Adolpho, slotting himself into the personal lift. As it sank down to the ground floor, Jeff reviewed his tasks for the day. He still had a lot to do before his plane departed for Heathrow that evening.
1. Finalise the San Francisco contingent of speakers coming over for the Witches of Lothian Conference.
2. Go over Higgenbotham’s reports again, make a decision on how to move forward.
3. Speak to his solicitors about the status of the purchase of the Newhame chalet park.
4. Pray.
On the ground floor, Jeff wheeled into the main living room, with the magnificent bay window that held another view, normally, across to the Golden Gate Bridge and Mt. Tamalpais in Marin. For some reason, Jeff felt comforted by being visually blocked in today.
No distractions, he thought to himself. That’s good. And he proceeded to get down to work.
#
Later that day, as they were driven the long drive down the peninsula to SFO, Jeff had to take Adolpho in hand. His PA had been sulking since Jeff told him earlier he wouldn’t be able to take Sandy, his boyfriend, along on this trip with him.
“It’s not fair!” signed Adolpho in the car as they slowed to a momentary halt in the crush of traffic. “Sandy hasn’t been back to Scotland in five years. If you could have seen his face when I said he might be able to come with us – “
Jeff cut him off. “You shouldn’t have said anything to him without clearing it with me first.” Adolpho slumped back against the seat. Jeff sighed. “Look,” he signed, “I don’t have anything against Sandy. I like Sandy. It think he’s good for you.” Adolpho straightened up a bit at this, let himself smile. “But we need to focus on this trip,” Jeff continued. “There’s a lot of hard work, and I’m going to be relying on you. And not just for this stuff.” Jeff fluttered his hands in the air to indicate the signing that Adolpho translated on his behalf.
Adolpho giggled, and Jeff smiled back. That was better. “No,” he went on, “I rely on your judgement as well. Sometimes I get caught up in the emotion of being there, and I need an objective mind.” He sighed and looked out the window.
Adolpho touched his arm. “Why do you do this?” he signed. “Why do you put yourself through this upset? It’s not good for you – I worry about you sometimes, you know.”
Jeff was touched. He took Adolpho’s hand, squeezed it, but didn’t try to explain. Sometimes he couldn’t understand himself what drove his actions, what made him return to Newhame time and again, what made him want the people of that obscure Scottish village to suffer.
Posted by paulmilne
Posted by paulmilne
Posted by paulmilne